Eshajōri 会者定離 (people meet, always part)

Valar morghulis. All men must die.

I just came across the title of this post on tumblr. That word was meant to express the idea of impermanence of all things. Everything ends because change is the only thing that remains (thanks for that one, Heraclitus), and as change is the only thing that remains, everything must come to an end. Eshajōri brings a new perspective to human relationships: all the unbreakable friendships, the burning hate and even the strongest love will, indeed, cease to exist someday due to life itself. The people who share those relationships will eventually die, and those feelings will die along with them.

I really don't know how to feel about that. Should I make huge efforts on relationships that will finish, doesn't matter what I do? In fact, should I even bother at all? I am gonna die sooner or later, so why should I try to live anyway? But I also do not know what happens after you die, just as I don't know what would happen if I lived… though the first one I'll know due to life itself. The second one is a chance that's been given to me. The only way I'll get to know what happens next is… well, by living.

In the end, not life nor death make sense. Let's just not waste the first one while we have the second one for granted.

Sorry I lied, hope you understand

I lied some days ago. Six, actually. I told a lie which wasn't even that important, it was no big deal, but I've been feeling this weight on my chest ever since and maybe writing it down would release some of the pressure, so…

I lied because I wanted to hide my feelings. With social media these days, you usually tend to feel more like a number. You are just another follower. Only your friends tend to read what you say to them. I was used to being a number, really, but then he appeared. He read everything. He wanted all of us to remain people, individuals he could recognize. I was someone… and he started growing. Followers here, followers there, everybody wanted a piece of his attention and there was just not enough of him for all of us. That's how I became a number… or so I thought.

I gradually stopped trying to get my bad jokes to get to him; there were times when I'd force myself to think if he'd be interested in what I was thinking to tell him, then I would get frustrated and not even try. It hurt knowing that you cared about someone who probably didn't care as much about you, that's what my heart felt but my head didn't dare to translate.

One day I simply decided to get some time for myself: I'd get rid of him in my social media, so that I'd just get rid of the pressure as well. It went well. It actually didn't, I felt a bit better but I missed him. I also knew the way I was acting was a bit childish: I never wanted his attention, but I accidentally got it and when it seemed I couldn't get it anymore I kind of got upset. And lonely? Sort of. Hard to explain.

Then this other day, I just said: “Okay, I might be just a number because a lot of people is interested in him now, but who cares? I'm gonna be a great number. And if he notices me and I get him to smile with my nonsense, then it's okay!”. I got a new attitude and tried to make those things affect me less, and I got him into my social media again.

And, finally, the magic happened.

I had some silly joke for what he shared with his followers, and a few minutes later… he welcomed me back. He noticed I had left, and he was also glad I was back –can't quite understand why, I mean… my jokes are TERRIBLE. But it made me feel valuable, even if he didn't have enough time for all of us, he had room for each individual in a special place. And now I regret lying and telling him it had been just a mistake. It was, of course, but not as I made it look like. And although the explanation for that mistake is longer than 140 characters, I wish I had told him the truth. I also wish he could understand it, because I feel like I haven't been clear enough throughtout this Bible I just wrote.

I don't know.