It was a snowy day, which meant a bed day. I kept my eyes closed, thanking God it was Saturday; thereby, I wouldn't have to face five hours of class with a broken heart.
What seemed like a funny and inoffensive day for most of the students didn't feel the same way for me. How odd was it?, the fact that I used to love building snowmen and organizing snowball's fights until that day.
The sound of someone gently knocking at the door made me open my eyes drowsily. I popped my head out of the mattres just enough for me to see my visitor, a mass of curls and two blue eyes sneaking behind the door.
“Hey, grumpy. Still asleep?”, Jay asked mischievously.
“Yeah, trying to. When are you gonna stop calling me that?”
“When you stop being grumpy, so get the hell out of there! It's snowing!”
He entered the room and –to my horror– opened the window, so a cold breeze invaded the room in a few seconds. I hid again under the blankets, to what he sighed.
“I know it's chill outside, you just have to bundle up a bit.”
“It's not that”, I wispered hoarsely.
We both realized I was on the edge. One more word and I'd cry my eyes out, but none of us wanted to face that. In fact, I expected him to leave as soon as he knew there were deep feelings involved, some "girly stuff" he wanted nothing to do with. I was so sure he'd flee… and yet he quietly sat on my bed, next to me.
Jay carefully drew off part of the mattress to glance at me with what could only be tenderness. I accidentally shed a tear when my eyes avoided his, which made me feel tinier and more vulnerable than ever.
“What's it, then?”, he asked with a soft voice.
I bit my lip, not wanting to tell him because I knew I'd crumble if I did. As a response, he took his coat off and got his huge body –it was, at least compared to mine– under the mattress. When he offered me a hug, I had no strength left to reject it as I would've done if it were a normal day.
Being there with him, just lying, felt definitely better. Eventually he'd kiss my forehead or just caress my back, so the tears began to fade as well as my sadness. There was still something, though. Some weight on my chest that refused to go away. I understood it was time for me to talk about it out loud, to someone other than myself.
“She left a snowy day”, I said. His hand stopped caressing my back for one second, and then it started again as a sign he was listening. “My dad was crying and holding onto a note she left, his sobs were what woke me up that day. She abandoned us because she didn't really love us… My mum never loved me. Snowy days remind me of that.”
I had accepted that ugly truth a while ago, but apparently it wasn't enough for me to not fall apart. Jay's hug got tighter when my tears became countless, although I could sense a new beginning. Those tears were redemption, were forgiveness, were freedom. I finally released that weight I had never got rid of before, I felt the overwhelming pain of being a motherless child one last time and then… just then, I was able to get over it.
I had no idea of how much time had passed since Jay came to my room. I didn't really care, neither did he. We were just there, holding each other, and I had to admit it was the best thing that had happened to me in a while. A pretty long while.
“Hay”, he whispered. I moved a bit to catch a glimpse of his eyes before he continued talking. “Are you feeling better?” I nodded, to what Jay grinned. He pinched my nose with that cute smile only he possessed and suddenly I became aware of the fact that he was rushing out of the bed. Not only that, he also intended to take me with him.
“What are you doing, James?”
“I'm taking you outside! You need to get over your fears, and I'm gonna help you. Here, you'll need it”, he said, offering me his coat. I numbly stared at it, slowly assimilating that he wanted me to go out on a snowy day. Had he listened to any of my words those previous minutes? There was no way I was following him outside.
“You know I don't wanna leave, Jay. You know what happened that day…”
“I know 'cause you just told me, Hayley. Does that mean I'm gonna let you hide here instead of facing your fears?” He smiled encouragingly when he saw in my eyes I was honestly terrified. His hand grabbed mine and squeezed it kindly. “Hey, I'm going to be with you all along. What's the worst that could happen?”
“I could have a good time with you, and then I'd have to admit you're actually funny. Isn't that enough reason?”, I tentatively asked. His answer was a laugh that, against all odds, got a smile from my grumpy lips. It was so easy to be happy around him…!
“You went through a lot, but you're also brave and stubborn. Plus, I won't let anything bad happen to you, so can you just trust me?”
I looked at my feet, knowing deep inside that he was right and that I was terrified for no reason. If I was going to let go, I needed to do it well –not some ten-minute talk and nothing else. I couldn't really say I trusted myself. However, I did trust Jay and his words wouldn't let me sleep if I refused to get out with him: what's the worst that could happen?
