Midnight in love

   “So… you actually like me.”

   “Wasn't it obvious?”, she replied perplexed. He felt the urge to caress her red cheek, although the fear of ruining her irreal beauty dismissed that need. Instead, he just answered. “Maybe. I was too busy liking you to notice.”

   “Flash-back of you liking all my pictures from Facebook”, she said winking.

   He couldn't help but horselaugh, his arms holding on to his belly as if the laughter could tear him apart. She immediately joined him, and soon they were nothing but a pair of young lovers hugging and laughing under the moon.

On how to fully understand love

  Love is the purest of the feelings. It gives and never asks for anything in return, yet it makes us feel complete although we are the ones giving.

  I have always had that clear in my mind, but today I've had an epiphany: "I love you more than I love him/her" does not exist. Let me explain this carefully.

  If we talk about true love, I must make clear that it is different for everyone. I don't love my mother the same way I love my sister or my friends, but that does not mean I love one more or less than the other. I love them differently, just like they love me back in their own way, and when it comes to truly loving, there is no limit on the amount of people you can feel that towards.

  I have to confess I felt a bit sad a few days ago. I wrongly thought my father had a deeper connection with my brother, which made him love his son more than his daughter –me. But coming to this conclution, I now know he loves us with all his heart, and shares some things with my brother and some others with me.

  Understanding how love actually works has erased the emptiness I carried, my heart feels lighter and happier and I can finally say goodbye to jealousy, because that doesn't exist in true love's world.

De sueños y cobardía

   Escribimos sobre lo que soñamos y soñamos con lo que nos falta, porque lo que no nos falta lo disfrutamos. ¿Quién querría imaginar y plasmar en un trozo de papel el abrazo de un ser amado si esa misma criatura existiese a dos metros de él? ¿Quién inventaría aventuras en lugar de vivirlas en sus carnes? Sólo los cobardes y los locos enamorados de ciertas ideas lo harían. ¿Para qué querríamos soñar nimiedades, pudiendo elegir cosas que sólo somos capaces de hacer cuando cerramos los ojos? Los cobardes sueñan con ser valientes, los introvertidos son famosos y admirados por miles de personas dentro de sus cabezas.

   Soñamos con lo que no tenemos y a menudo nos falta lo que somos demasiado cobardes como para conseguir. Por eso yo soy escritora, cobarde y loca enamorada.

Lonely love life

I am currently living that feared moment when everyone else around you has this special someone and you're as alone as it gets. Your friends try to make it less awkward when you hang out together with their couples and stuff, but those flying hearts really don't help. And you're happy that everyone is in love and smiling, but you also hate Cupid for not letting you into the fun.

There are these concerned people who ask you "Why don't you just get a boyfriend?". Well, magic didn't exist last time I checked and it is NOT that easy. What does the world expect from me? Am I supposed to just get on the streets telling people that I'm looking for my soulmate and asking them if they're it?

Love, elusive little shit.

Probably the worst part of this is that you cannot talk about it with anyone else. The people I could talk to about it have that someone, so it's easy for them to tell you to go out and fall in love or even worse, to calm you down with this hateful sentence: "You'll find someone, don't worry."

No one predicts the future, so when people say that I get angry. How dare you? I'm feeling alone and all you can tell me is that I will find someone. When? Where? How the hell do you know that? I might as well die tomorrow and you wouldn't be able to predict that, because no one can predict the future, so… why would you just insult me with that lie, underestimate my pain and dismiss it like that?

That's what I'm feeling right now. And I know things get better, I just don't know how much more loneliness I can take. All I need is someone to tell me the right words, which I don't know myself.

After.

I feel free.

I did something I didn't dare to do, I fought against my fears –even if they sounded silly– and won. My value spreads beyond my long, beautiful locks of hair and now that I've lost them, I know.

Short hair feels fresh, comfortable, new. My friends need a bit longer to recognize me, maybe because I radically cut my hair or maybe because my new, big smile blinds them out. Maybe both.

The thing is, it feels good. I am happy I was scared, because now I know I am also brave. If I want something, I'll fight for it against myself if necessary, and the reward... happiness :)

Before.

I am terrified.

It may sound silly, but I'm cutting my hair tomorrow. And by that I mean I'm gonna lose 90% of it, as it's really long and annoying to wash, brush and wear… but it's my hair.

I honestly think this new hairstyle could look even better on me than my actual one, so the fear is probably based on the way I think. It feels like my long locks make me feminine, beautiful, whereas they hide my face and annoy me almost every day. I'm scared to get such a dramatic change, although that does not mean I don't want it. It just means I'll have to be brave to get it.

I'll work on my feelings from now on, then. And if short hair ends up not being my thing, it grows back!

…right?

Easy to say, hard to do

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.”

Courage and cowardice, two sides of the same coin. Nobody is only coward or brave, all of us are mixtures of both. Some people are braver, some are more coward, and I had always thought I was in the second group until I realized: you can't be brave if you are not scared.

I'm one of those people who have this terrible fear of being or doing anything wrong. It is really hard for me to accept failure, so the easiest thing is to just not do a thing. There could be no wrongs or rights if I didn't try, but there would be nothing brave about it –nor funny.

A big part of life is about taking risks, and being brave is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It has given me cats, it has taken away the fear of running into animals (dogs more likely) to let me appreciate how beautiful and cute this little friends are. It has taught me that great jokes can come from ignorance. And all that is almost nothing compared to this last thing: being brave has made me realize how much people can like me, even if I'm weird or awkward or clumsy sometimes.

Being brave has given me confidence. And that's why I highly recommend facing your fears.

Some sad thoughts, some snowy mornings

   It was a snowy day, which meant a bed day. I kept my eyes closed, thanking God it was Saturday; thereby, I wouldn't have to face five hours of class with a broken heart.

What seemed like a funny and inoffensive day for most of the students didn't feel the same way for me. How odd was it?, the fact that I used to love building snowmen and organizing snowball's fights until that day.

   The sound of someone gently knocking at the door made me open my eyes drowsily. I popped my head out of the mattres just enough for me to see my visitor, a mass of curls and two blue eyes sneaking behind the door.

   “Hey, grumpy. Still asleep?”, Jay asked mischievously.

   “Yeah, trying to. When are you gonna stop calling me that?”

   “When you stop being grumpy, so get the hell out of there! It's snowing!”

   He entered the room and –to my horror– opened the window, so a cold breeze invaded the room in a few seconds. I hid again under the blankets, to what he sighed.

   “I know it's chill outside, you just have to bundle up a bit.”

   “It's not that”, I wispered hoarsely.

   We both realized I was on the edge. One more word and I'd cry my eyes out, but none of us wanted to face that. In fact, I expected him to leave as soon as he knew there were deep feelings involved, some "girly stuff" he wanted nothing to do with. I was so sure he'd flee… and yet he quietly sat on my bed, next to me.

   Jay carefully drew off part of the mattress to glance at me with what could only be tenderness. I accidentally shed a tear when my eyes avoided his, which made me feel tinier and more vulnerable than ever.

   “What's it, then?”, he asked with a soft voice.

   I bit my lip, not wanting to tell him because I knew I'd crumble if I did. As a response, he took his coat off and got his huge body –it was, at least compared to mine– under the mattress. When he offered me a hug, I had no strength left to reject it as I would've done if it were a normal day.

   Being there with him, just lying, felt definitely better. Eventually he'd kiss my forehead or just caress my back, so the tears began to fade as well as my sadness. There was still something, though.      Some weight on my chest that refused to go away. I understood it was time for me to talk about it out loud, to someone other than myself.

   “She left a snowy day”, I said. His hand stopped caressing my back for one second, and then it started again as a sign he was listening. “My dad was crying and holding onto a note she left, his sobs were what woke me up that day. She abandoned us because she didn't really love us… My mum never loved me. Snowy days remind me of that.”

   I had accepted that ugly truth a while ago, but apparently it wasn't enough for me to not fall apart. Jay's hug got tighter when my tears became countless, although I could sense a new beginning. Those tears were redemption, were forgiveness, were freedom. I finally released that weight I had never got rid of before, I felt the overwhelming pain of being a motherless child one last time and then… just then, I was able to get over it.

   I had no idea of how much time had passed since Jay came to my room. I didn't really care, neither did he. We were just there, holding each other, and I had to admit it was the best thing that had happened to me in a while. A pretty long while.

   “Hay”, he whispered. I moved a bit to catch a glimpse of his eyes before he continued talking. “Are you feeling better?” I nodded, to what Jay grinned. He pinched my nose with that cute smile only he possessed and suddenly I became aware of the fact that he was rushing out of the bed. Not only that, he also intended to take me with him.

   “What are you doing, James?”

   “I'm taking you outside! You need to get over your fears, and I'm gonna help you. Here, you'll need it”, he said, offering me his coat. I numbly stared at it, slowly assimilating that he wanted me to go out on a snowy day. Had he listened to any of my words those previous minutes? There was no way I was following him outside.

   “You know I don't wanna leave, Jay. You know what happened that day…”

   “I know 'cause you just told me, Hayley. Does that mean I'm gonna let you hide here instead of facing your fears?” He smiled encouragingly when he saw in my eyes I was honestly terrified. His hand grabbed mine and squeezed it kindly. “Hey, I'm going to be with you all along. What's the worst that could happen?”

   “I could have a good time with you, and then I'd have to admit you're actually funny. Isn't that enough reason?”, I tentatively asked. His answer was a laugh that, against all odds, got a smile from my grumpy lips. It was so easy to be happy around him…!

   “You went through a lot, but you're also brave and stubborn. Plus, I won't let anything bad happen to you, so can you just trust me?”

   I looked at my feet, knowing deep inside that he was right and that I was terrified for no reason. If I was going to let go, I needed to do it well –not some ten-minute talk and nothing else. I couldn't really say I trusted myself. However, I did trust Jay and his words wouldn't let me sleep if I refused to get out with him: what's the worst that could happen?

Game of Souls

  

  “There's no such thing as soul-breaking. You can kill someone and keep your soul untouched, because we weren't meant to be good. We were meant to survive, no matter how. The only people capable of murder just to enjoy themselves… well, they have no soul at all.”

  He somehow looked hurt, as if those words brought a bad memory back. One he wished he could forget. I still had some questions tormenting me though, so I decided to pop them out in an attempt to both find answers and remove those upseting thoughts off of him.

  “Hoy do they… move, then? How do they exist?”

  “I don't know yet”, he admitted, walking around the room with a more relaxed look. “As far as I could get, some sort of shadow runs the body of a psychopath. Maybe they're actual demons.”

  “If demons exist, angels might too”, I pointed out. He nodded while trying to hide the hope I had myself. If there were angels, there might be a God… we might not be alone.

  “They might. I'm probably staring at one right now.”

The windows are open

Only cat-owners living in high buildings know that feeling of seeing an open window: anxiety and fear, as if their beloved cat was about to jump through it, never to return again. It's not something you can teach them, they aren't kids who can understand the danger and avoid it. A kitty sees a bird flying outside and chases it no matter what, not realizing the 30 meters' height from there to the ground until it's too late.

This is why I am sad.

My windows are open all over the house, this is no longer a place for a cat to live in. It is not because we don't want to, but because –for medical reasons– I can't. I love cats but having them around hurts me, which is really hard to accept… though I have to say goodbye now.

Cookie's gone. And I miss her.

That possessive feeling we can't usually get rid of

Break-ups are hard. While you're love birds kissing and squeezing each other, both parts involved on the relationship develop this feeling of possession over their couple, so seeing them with someone else –romantically speaking, obviously– becomes painful and heart-breaking.

Everyone knows it is not nice to see your beloved one hooking up with not you. What no one seems to realize is that this possessive feeling exists in every –relatively– long lasting relationship, even in the ones where the involved people are not really in love.

The thing with books like Twilight or romantic comedies like Awkward is that they make you believe Bella and Jenna are madly in love with two guys at the same time, when actually it's all about that possessive feeling along with the attraction these guys radiate.

That being said, I'm not sure if a person can actually be in love with two or more people at the same time or it's just a confussion between the real feeling of love and the sexual attraction anyone can feel towards anyone, so… what are your thoughts?

Love?

Love. L-O-V-E. Amor. What's that?

Constantly saying how much we love this or that, not actually realizing… love, such a powerful and yet underrated word.

I hate the way we are used to it, as if it weren't a big deal. We waste words all the time, but one of the worst things we could possibly do is to throw away the daily "I love you"s. Open your eyes, world, someone is telling you they feel love towards you and you don't even care? And on the other hand, you just go and tell a person you love him/her as if you talked to them about the weather, motionless?

I must confess I'm one of those crazy, romantic girls who loves the idea of being in love. However, I am a bit scared of not recognizing my soulmate when I meet him –or her, though it'd surprise me. In fact, I'm scared that I might not have a soulmate at all. How do you know these things? Does everyone else have the instructions' book of life I'm missing or what?

Oh, whatever. Just take me to Pandora.

Remembering my true essence

These times I've been way too far from my beloved ones. The love of my life, that miracle I can always rely my happiness on: reading.

First, I got over a very strong prejudice about anime. I didn't understand it, hence I hated it for no reason. One day I just forced myself to watch Death Note, and today I've cried my eyes out while discovering Code Geass' ending. Plus, anime has helped me meet amazing people that love it too.

Then, I got trapped into hundreds of movies and series I wanted to watch, so the inspiration always appeared during my few free minutes – which I used to write until my nails fell from my fingers (not literally, though).

If that's not enough, I also made new friends thanks to college, so my spare time is now non-existent. I seriously need a week or two to disconnect, write, read, swim on a lake and listen to nature. Zen stuff.

I must say, though, that I might not be as relaxed as I'd like but I don't really care because I have never been happier. And the fact that today I ran out of anime, movies and series I wanted to see got me in a negative way at first: I was bored. But then…

Suddenly, a tiny, shy voice whispered: “…what about reading?”

My eyes went to slowmotion and glanced over at the book that was standing on the table at my right. A little smile popped out as I took World War Z and started reading on the point I left it months ago.

Finally the passion's back.

Magia

I'm dedicating today's post to talk about magic.

We value people who make us happy for obvious reasons, and now there are some individuals whose work is happiness itself, not only for them but for their public as well. Some make music, some write books, some create movies…

Happiness' got many faces. Personally, I think happiness is magic and we're all wizards –although some of us don't know yet. That's why sometimes it's hard for us to create an entire feeling out of nothing, we just don't believe we've got the potential to do it.

This is what the world needs to do. This is where I am starting myself. A piano is travelling all the way from Germany, next week I'll be its official owner and I couldn't be more terrified. I must confess I'm scared of failing, and learning how to play an instrument is not the easiest thing I could try, but if I stay in my comfort zone forever I'll only be a frustrated muggle…

The inspiration to write this today came thanks to an amazing magician I haven't had the pleasure to meet (maybe one day, though). Ese desconocido que me ha sacado una enorme sonrisa con sus palabras de agradecimiento y con buena parte de sus vídeos. Ese mago, esa voz, ese humano a veces incomprendido con demasiadas cosas en la cabeza y demasiado poco tiempo para dar rienda suelta a todo lo que quiere hacer. Sigue sacando sonrisas, Alberto, y no te olvides de que las tuyas también cuentan.